You’re tiring of me more and more every day, I can really feel that….

It’s back to that feeling again. The “I want to stop breathing” feeling. The feeling where I know I am pathetic and no where near good enough. I’m slowly shutting down. Ready to shut everyone out and make myself a zombie. Even the one person I thought I would always have by my side isn’t interested in me anymore….just some person I don’t even know. It sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am the most miserable, terrified, pathetic person in the entire world. I will always be alone, always. I know he doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t understand why after I have tried so hard….

Honestly, here’s how I truly feel. About life. About everything.

I lied. I do love you still. Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I ? You were my entire world. I simply dreamed of you and begged God to let me keep you. To let me keep this one good thing I was blessed with. Instead, I was tortured with you. I had you waved in my face. I was teased by you. When I went to grab onto the idea of keeping you, you were ripped away from my grasp. You suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. You suddenly hated me. I always knew it was only a matter of time before you discovered that I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough for you. I didn’t think it would be so soon. I got to have you as mine for four months. I got to have you in my life for four months. And then, just like that, you were only a memory. I hate myself for not doing enough to keep you. I hate myself for everything I said to you to make you leave. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wanted to be good enough and pretty enough, but I never was.

Now for you. I know i’m going to lose you someday. That’s inevitable. I just don’t want it. It can’t happen. I can’t let you go, ever. I’m trying so hard to avoid it. I already have the tell tale signs there. It hurts. I CAN’T lose you. It’s impossible. Please don’t ever go…I can’t do this on my own…